They’re just so fucking nice. They don’t care. If I lost a tooth, there was a fairy. You sew. That’s my bike.

Lemonade was made for the white man!” So… What the hell have I been doing with my life? No, no, I need to say this! I knew He was gonna be like that, I knew it.

3:00, 4:00 in the morning, this is when the psycho’s coming in too, right? Yeah. Thank you.

What’s–? I do. I’ll see you next time. I don’t understand, like, what do they think is gonna happen if somebody reads that joke? Let me ask all you gun guys, who are gonna make fun if I had a .22. Are you seriously shocked some redneck with a beard down to his dick sitting in a boat in the middle of a swamp shooting varmints? There’s a lot of shit I can relate to in this. It’s a great thing to do. Dave Chappelle gives his stand about racially charged run-ins, celebrity scandals and fatherly dilemmas in his stand-up set at Austin's Moody Theater. I was 24 when a senior was born. Wasn’t thinking. I swear to God, this fucking guy, I bet in the 1940’s, he was considered a hippie. Fuck!” Air traffic control: “I don’t know who’s on this frequency, but you really need–” “Somebody just jumped out of the fucking helicopter!” Five days in. Like, I see the whole thing, see the whole thing. And that’s not a homophobic thing either, that I wouldn’t send my hypothetical son to drama class. Did the church organs make that fucked up like I was up here? I saw this thing, though. It’s so fucking stupid. You have a couple of kids, you’re sucked in the bubble. I don’t know why I came here in June. I’m gonna learn how to fly a helicopter on the sly, I can’t fucking have some .357 hanging around. I’m like, “That is fucking bullshit!

It isn’t. All right? That’s two out of five senses! And you guys just sit here staring at me like, “All right, so what happened? First 12 and a half years. It’s nice to be here.

I’m gonna defend my dad here because this is basically what happens when you have a kid. When I heard my story, there was still some fat fuck coming down the chimney, giving me Christmas toys. If you go back and listen to that tape– go back and listen to it.

I never had a fear of it. The Tabernacle - 152 Luckie Street, Atlanta, Georgia, USA. He lets me finish my stories.” Which is all great qualities, okay, but you got to know, when you shack up with a guy like that, you’re rolling the dice.

You know?

You can’t run with that as your platform. You want to keep the shit that your parents did that worked, and then you want to get rid of the stuff that didn’t work. I don’t understand. My son can’t fucking do any of that shit unless I’m sending him to one of those Fame high schools where everybody’s doing it, one of those creative schools. This is prime Bill Burr. It got hit by car and it died. Doing some yoga, right?” And then one day, it just settles in that they didn’t make it.

Thought I was gonna get to do that, but you said no, so… there goes that. Dude, how easy… how easy would that kid be to raise? That fucks up Flag Day. It’s a perfect joke. I’m glad he kissed him. But other than that, yeah, go fuck yourself. It’s been, like, 150 years! I don’t understand what the– It’s not a real compelling story.” I’m mowing a fucking lawn, and a stranger comes out with a weapon and says, “Let’s shoot it at a burned-out car!” Okay?

And I was just like, “Wow, this is how the world is.” And meanwhile this shit was just floating, this 800-pound gorilla of this fucking story. Because he doesn’t sleep in the bed, he’s out in the bushes all night, talking to himself, freaking me the fuck out, all right? I swear to God, it was her idea!” Yeah, they always make it nice in those movies.

That fucking Joel Osteen, you ever see that guy?

He scooped it up and he ran away on paws.

There’s 400 million in this country. L.A., there’s nowhere to go.

Let’s not try to turn this around on me. So here’s to him. Yeah, Paula Deen. It’s like 2:00 in the morning, you’re both half naked. You need every word of that joke. One leg under the covers, one without.

Pretty standard, I thought this was gonna be a comedy show. Kind of lets me know. Never heard it.

Waiting… for some politician to have the balls to bring it up, but they won’t do it, they won’t do it.

What the fuck, what the fuck?! Now I got to tell you something. It’s awful. Yours goes, “Whack whack!” Mine goes, “Whack-a-fuckin’-whack!” Dude makes a zillion bucks, gets his own TV show, he’s loving life.

‘Cause that’s what’s gonna happen when that intruder comes in. They’ll build, like, a skyscraper next to a house, next to a gun range, and then there’s, like, a fucking daycare center. No, you can’t give him back, it doesn’t work that way.

Do some man shit.” Jesus Christ.

“I’m out of my mind, I’m coming back in 20 minutes, so stretch out your hammies ’cause it’s gonna get crazy.” That’s not how it works. Protecting him like I always do. You’re an adult female!

But your son, you can hug them a little bit, but every three, four, you got to fucking knock ’em down, right?

One, I didn’t like to go– I didn’t like going to church every week, you know?

Now it’s all car stuff. Coming out there: “And if elected, I would implement a program to immediately eliminate at least 85% of you!

Is there gas in the engine?

That’s a great fucking joke! They just won’t come out and say it. Drink that water for a good 30 days. This guy kept living. How is he doing anything? “Look at ’em just over there, drinkin’ a cold drink! Last night at the Tabernacle–” Sitting there next to some fucking Cheeto-eating blogger. You know? You can’t coach that, right? That’s what it was. I didn’t read a riot act to anybody, I just let go of it. You know? “Hey, man, it’s kind of cold out today.” “Dude, you don’t understand. Oh, my God! You gotta protect the blindside. Directed by Jay Karas.

Looking for some great streaming picks? Right? Look, I’m not talking about the basis of every religion.

That is a dickless dude beating the shit out of a woman. The guy doesn’t want it anymore?